The Big 3-0.... or, Turning 29 Again

I'm sitting here in the last few hours of my twenties, and it's weird.

I wish I had something more poetic to say about it than that, but weird is all I've got. I feel like I should wax grand about the shenanigans of my youth and the entering in of a whole new me. Truth is, I don't feel any different. And I don't suspect I'll feel any different tomorrow.

And maybe that's why I feel weird. I'm kind of pissed.... Kind of sad....Kind of happy... kind of apathetic. Isn't that what being a teenager is about? I'm WAY past that. But I feel like I'm supposed to feel different, and I don't. But I want to.

I've always thought 30 is when I would have it all together. Oh, you're still single? That's alright, you're only twenty-something. Oh you still have a house payments worth of a student loan? No worries, you're still twenty-something. Ah, but see, in a few short hours I won't have that excuse anymore.

When I pictured my life as the dreamer of a 20 year old I used to be, this was not at all how I pictured it. Not. at. all. When I was 20, I dreamed big. I had HUGE plans for my life. I had not yet been beaten down by the reality of the harshness of life. Life is not kind to dreamers. When I was 20, I thought by now I would be married, writing screenplays, drinking lattes. I would not be in Arkansas. When I was 22, I thought by the time I was 30 I would be gloriously single (I went through a hatred of men stage) traveling the world and writing wonderful columns for some high profile travel magazine, drinking lattes. I would not be in Arkansas.

Yet, as 30 looms closer with every passing minute, here I sit. In Arkansas. Not married. Not traveling. Not writing screenplays or traveling the world.  Though, I do drink lattes...

But.....

It's not so bad. It's not what I dreamed, but God dreams better. I'm not married, but I am in love, and that's the part that matters. I found a guy who loves God and treats me like gold. I'm not in Texas, with my family, but I do get to join other families on their journeys for a while. I'm not writing screenplays, but I write a blog every 6 months or so.... And I do travel, it's just not as grand as I dreamed. Though, I have seen a small chunk of the world. I think that's the biggest change from 20 to 30. My twenties were about flying. In my 30's, I think the idea of roots is more appealing. Even if those roots are in Arkansas (It's a fate I think I have to accept).

I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be. And I've been struggling with that a bit. Ok, a lot. But, I think where I am is better. Life is not about the check marks next to our bucket list, but about the experiences we have getting those check marks. And through it all, my experiences have been amazing! I have a few best friends who know me better than anyone, and will be there from my 20's to eternity in Heaven. I have parents who love me and support me in everything I do. I have a job I love (most of the time), a house and a car, and yes, a student loan payment as big as Texas. Most importantly, I have a faith that has withstood the trials and temptations of my 20's, that is rock solid to guide me in my 30's. I have a God who is faithful, and gentle enough to comfort me when my dreams look different than His, but loves me enough to dream bigger for me anyway.

I will wake up tomorrow and not much will be different. I'll have a 3 in front of my age instead of a 2. But life is still pretty great, even if it looks different than I thought I wanted it to. My 30's will rock and who knows what my dreams will look like by the time I'm 40...

But, let's not go there yet... 30 is hard enough!

Turn it Off!!

It's been a while since I posted. Whatever. You expected more?

I ran away this weekend. Straight up ran to the woods for some peace and quiet. Life had officially reached a decibel that I couldn't tolerate anymore. I ran to Mountain Thyme B&B in Jessieville, AR. You should go there.

It was the most peaceful, relaxing experience I have ever had. I made about 3 pots of tea, read an entire book, hiked until it started raining, laid in the hammock till I got too cold, read by the fire until I got too hot, fell asleep on the porch swing and stayed in the jacuzzi tub far longer than I'd like to admit. I journaled. I prayed. And it was quiet enough that I actually heard back when I did.

Sometimes, life gets too loud and you have to say enough is enough and turn it off for a while.

Now, it's no secret I'm a therapist. And I see the world and the people in it through my little therapist lens. Trust me, I wish I could turn it off sometimes just as much as the people around me do. That's why most of my friends are therapists. We are the only ones that can tolerate each other. I can't watch movies without seeing trauma. I can't listen to love songs without hearing codependency. I mean, I asked my boyfriend on our second date if he had ever looked at pornography. Who does that?? I'm surprised he didn't run away right then.

The problem is, I can spend too much time looking through my therapy lens and forget that I have my own story of hurt and trauma. Yes, I'm a therapist. But there is still a part of me that is a hurt little girl. And I tend to ignore her. I take care of other people because I can see their pain and I know how to help. And I figure I can always take care of myself later, because I should know how. And yes, that is pretty close to the definition of codependency.

I wish I could turn my therapy lens off for a while and see the world the way I used to. It was easier then.

Then again, it wasn't. Now that I know what living life fully and experiencing people fully feels like, I can't go back. It's like saying McDonald's chicken nuggets are my favorite food. They were when I was 5. Then, around age 18, I discovered grilled salmon and it is so much better than chicken nuggets! Chicken nuggets are still good, but I'll take grilled salmon over them any day.

It's all about balance. I can take care of myself and still be there for others when they need me to be. I can find peace in a world of noise without having to run away.

But a reset helps from time to time.

Run away to the woods, gather yourself, see God more obviously so that He's easier to see and hear and feel when He's not so obvious.

I suggest making sure there's tea. And a hammock. And a jacuzzi tub is a pretty sweet bonus.... not gonna lie.

Cheers!

Peace that Passes All Understanding

I'm reading the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, mainly because I'm trying to have a deeper understanding of the Holy Spirit because I grew up in a church that never spoke of him. But, it's also part of my recommitment to spend time intentionally focused on God everyday.

I tend to put God on the backburner when life gets crazy busy, and then I wake up wondering where He went and why I feel so lost. Well, He didn't go anywhere, I did. I figure if I make sure I'm intentionally focusing on Him everyday, then I'm more likely to see and experience Him unintentionally as well.

So, I'm reading and here comes this passage:
"Most church-goers are content to find a bit of peace rather than a 'peace of God which surpasses all understanding' (Phil 4:7). We want just enough peace to survive the week (or perhaps even the day)."

Well, Francis Chan, good job. You hit the nail on the head.

For the last year (ok, maybe longer) I have been in survival mode. My prayers have been, "God get me to 5:00 today, God get me through this session, God just help me make it to Friday..." And yes, sometimes, that was all I could muster to ask for in the moment. I was so hurt and so lost that I could only see to the end of the hour.

But, that's not all God can muster. He's more than capable to get me through more than just a day. In fact, he is yearning to pass on His peace to me. A peace that extends beyond the reaches of the world or the devil who is trying to run it. And here I am, putting God in a box. Not asking for the deepest peace, either because I lack the faith He can really give it, or the self-worth to believe I can have it.

Can you imagine peace like that? Of course not, that's why it surpasses all understanding. But, man do I crave it. So, some things need to happen. First of all, I need to expect it. I need to be expectant that God is going to do amazing, wonderful things, beyond my comprehension. A smart man named Dr. Rackley led a devotional series on that. I promise I was paying attention then, it's just taken on a whole new meaning now. Second of all, I need to be longing for my God the way I long for peace. Because He is peace. And part of my discontent is that I've let myself get so far away from Him. I'm not going around leading a sinful or un-Godly life, but I'm not pursuing him as much as I could be either. I've been pursuing the mission, not Him. And as I long for God, and strive to know Him, he will continue to show me who I am, through His eyes. And there is my worth. He is who makes me worthy, and no one can take that away.

He is all I need. And honestly, that surpasses my understanding too. I'm a recovering performance- based control-freak. And sometimes I slip into my old ways and the idea of someone loving me, not based on what I can do, or how I look, or how I make them feel, completely blows my mind. It completely surpasses my limited understanding. He loves me. Just for me, because He made me perfect (Hebrews 10:14). Real love. Unconditional love.

Mind. Blown.

Heart. Full.

He also has patience that surpasses all understanding. Because no matter how many times I look up realize I've drifted, He's still there, welcoming me back, shaking his head at my silliness for trying to do it on my own again. I really don't get patience like that. I mean, if you've ever ridden in a car with me, you know patience is not my strongest spiritual gift... ( I blame some of it on Arkansas drivers. They don't have to take a test to get a license and it shows. Most of them don't know what a blinker is. Or a gas pedal...)

Anyway, I'm not going to pursue peace, because that sounds counter productive. But I am pursuing God, and the Spirit, and that's pretty much the same thing. And I will mess up and I will get distracted and my old ways will try to take over, and then God will remind me, Silly child, you aren't meant to do it alone.

Because we weren't created to do it alone. We need Him. We need each other.

Cheers

Work, but Don't Forget to Live

I'm at work, just finished some paperwork, and am enjoying my second cup of Echinacea tea this morning. The tag on the tea bag says "Work, but don't forget to live." How appropriate!

It's family week, my third intensive week in four weeks. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night or felt refreshed when I woke up in the morning. I am in desperate need of some R&R and some personal TLC. I'm sensing a theme in my life.

There's a reason God initiated a Sabbath day. To be fully capable of doing the things he has called us to, and to be open and able to hear him, you need to be fully rested. When life gets in the way, and you're straining to hear God through the cacophony of work and the world, it's easy to get lost. You wake up one morning and have no idea how you got so tired or when faith started to feel like a chore, one more thing on your plate.

So, here's the double bind.... What do you do when your mission is the thing keeping you tired? When the mission is just in one of those tough spots and is demanding more from you than you feel capable of giving? Is it a faith issue? God says He wont give us more than we can bear. So, am I stronger than I think I am? Or am I too tired to be able to discern what God's really telling me?

Right now, every thing feels like work. And I don't like it. I'd like to get back to living.

So, in this moment, this brief break from family week, I'll sip my tea and enjoy the warmth as it slides down my throat and circles my heart. In this moment, I will live. And I will enjoy it. And savor it. And maybe that's how you push through the hard times.... savor the moments of living when you're in a spot where moments are all you get.

Cheers!

God is Good, Even When I Don't Understand....

And tonight I don't understand.

Tonight I'm very brutally reminded of why I do what I do. Life is short. Life is precious. And we all deserve every opportunity to live that life with as much possibility as possible. I fight and struggle for and with those who can't fight for themselves, or who don't believe they are worth fighting for. And no matter how tired I get, I won't stop. Because the fight is important.

But tonight, the word fight feels too harsh.

What it really is, is LOVE. I love kids who can't love themselves or who don't believe they are worth loving. I show them Jesus and His perfect love by trying to let them see themselves from His eyes, and not the world's.

And of course, loving someone makes it all the harder when things don't end the way you hope and pray. When a life is taken long before it was supposed to be.

But the pain is worth it. Because if someone gets the chance to be loved, to them it really doesn't matter for how long.

My heart is heavy. And I don't understand.

But God is good.

So, if you love someone, tell them. If amends are needed, make them. If you need help, ask for it. If you have a passion, follow it.

Because we really aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

There's an 18 year old boy who found that out today. And I don't understand why. But God is good, so I will keep loving. I hope you will too.

Love.

A House Divided....

Ok, yeah, it's been a while.... Life is busy.

I called in sick to work today. No, I am not sick by your normal definition. But, man did I need a day! I'm calling this my mental health day. And I think it qualifies in the sick department. My mind had reached its max, my stress level was at the boiling point. If I didn't get just one day to myself I was going to lose it. And that, is not pretty.

I think that's a problem we have in our society. We are always on the go, move move move. Trying to prove our worth by what we produce or how much we get done. And then there's the other half of society that demands things be given to them, that demands the same luxuries and rights as the productive part of society. So we live in a nation where half of us are working ourselves into the ground and the other half is soaking up the fruits of our labor. What happens when we wear ourselves out? What happens when there isn't time for a mental health day (or obamacare doesn't allow us one) and we all crumble from exhaustion? Will the other half start working? I'm thinking no, because it's a monster we (our government) has created and perpetuated. Most people of a welfare mentality are that way because it's all they know. They haven't been educated that there are other ways to live. It's a generational thing. The pattern one knows is the pattern one knows. We don't need more welfare, or a socialized health care system. That is not love. That's throwing money or policies at a problem so you don't have to get your hands dirty. If we really love needy people, then we need to be willing to go in and get our hands dirty and show them, educate them. Then again, if I had a government willing to give me everything I wanted, I probably wouldn't want to learn the value of work or the options of school and jobs I had either.

Then again, I would. Because that's what I've learned generationally. Work. Work until you are bone tired, then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again.

Where's the balance? Why can't we work and have time to enjoy the fruits of our labor? Why do I have to call in sick because my job doesn't allow me the space to recuperate mentally and emotionally? Why is half our country working 80 hour weeks and the other half is buying big screen TV's with their welfare checks.

Now, I realize I am generalizing pretty significantly here. But my point still remains. Our society is perpetuating two very different ideals of living, and those two ideals are in complete contradiction. And eventually, it will wear out one half and leave the other half helpless because they never learned how to work for themselves. And then where will our society be?

I'd say, ripe for the picking for whatever the next world superpower will be. China?

I'm tired. So, I'm trying to find balance. I'm taking a day for me. But it's noon and I've already vacuumed and dusted the whole house, deep cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes, done two loads of laundry, cooked and wrapped a present. The message of work is deeply ingrained. But my hammock is up and I'm about to go lay in it and read a pointless magazine. And then I will go work out. It's all about balance. And our country is in deep need of it.

So am I.

Cheers.

Spiritual Awakening

Ok, so it's been a month. But it's been a crazy month. Cut me some slack.

So, I had a spiritual awakening last night. If any of you are familiar with Brene Brown, then you know that "spiritual awakening" is code for breakdown. (If you aren't familiar with Brene Brown you should be. This is her website and you should watch her Ted Talk on shame. It will change your life.)

So.... it's been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been very very hard. I have some really hard cases right now and the upheaval of the staff is still in full swing. Other areas of my life are going through some growing pains, which is good, but not comfortable. And I'm not sleeping. Which just makes everything feel just a little bit heavier. This all culminated last night with a work email, that I should not have read because it was 10 pm, but I did and that was it. The trigger threshold had been hit and I was a sobbing mess on my couch.

You see, I am by nature a runner. Physically, I love the feeling of my leg muscles straining with each mile. I feel more grounded with each footstep that pounds the pavement. Even the stitch in my side has a strange comfort to it because I am acutely aware that I am alive and I am breathing.

When things get tough I really like to run. I mean, I am the one who left everything I knew behind to go to school in this strange land of Arkansas that I don't understand.

But, as I've gotten healthier and more steady with myself and my faith in God, I've been able to stay. To stay in the crucible as the fire gets hot. It sucks. Because I like to run. And my nature has been wanting to take over. Run from my job, run from my relationships, run from my life. But I've been staying. And I've been trying to discern the difference between running, and leaving because it's the healthy and right decision. And I think the different areas in my life are recursively affecting each other. So.... a breakdown (spiritual awakening) was bound to happen. Sometimes you just need a good cry to be able to make sense of things.

I went to Houston this weekend to visit my best friends and meet the new baby. It was SO GOO to be with those girls again. They help me stay. They ground me enough to keep me from running. Even when every muscle in my body is tensing in preparation for the sprint.

So, this morning I went for a run. A real run. I stretched my legs, I let the cold air fill my legs, and reconnected myself with every inhale. My lungs were on fire at the end, but I felt good. Some things are worth staying for and that knowledge will get me through.

Best friends along the way help too.

Cheers!