God is Good, Even When I Don't Understand....

And tonight I don't understand.

Tonight I'm very brutally reminded of why I do what I do. Life is short. Life is precious. And we all deserve every opportunity to live that life with as much possibility as possible. I fight and struggle for and with those who can't fight for themselves, or who don't believe they are worth fighting for. And no matter how tired I get, I won't stop. Because the fight is important.

But tonight, the word fight feels too harsh.

What it really is, is LOVE. I love kids who can't love themselves or who don't believe they are worth loving. I show them Jesus and His perfect love by trying to let them see themselves from His eyes, and not the world's.

And of course, loving someone makes it all the harder when things don't end the way you hope and pray. When a life is taken long before it was supposed to be.

But the pain is worth it. Because if someone gets the chance to be loved, to them it really doesn't matter for how long.

My heart is heavy. And I don't understand.

But God is good.

So, if you love someone, tell them. If amends are needed, make them. If you need help, ask for it. If you have a passion, follow it.

Because we really aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

There's an 18 year old boy who found that out today. And I don't understand why. But God is good, so I will keep loving. I hope you will too.

Love.

A House Divided....

Ok, yeah, it's been a while.... Life is busy.

I called in sick to work today. No, I am not sick by your normal definition. But, man did I need a day! I'm calling this my mental health day. And I think it qualifies in the sick department. My mind had reached its max, my stress level was at the boiling point. If I didn't get just one day to myself I was going to lose it. And that, is not pretty.

I think that's a problem we have in our society. We are always on the go, move move move. Trying to prove our worth by what we produce or how much we get done. And then there's the other half of society that demands things be given to them, that demands the same luxuries and rights as the productive part of society. So we live in a nation where half of us are working ourselves into the ground and the other half is soaking up the fruits of our labor. What happens when we wear ourselves out? What happens when there isn't time for a mental health day (or obamacare doesn't allow us one) and we all crumble from exhaustion? Will the other half start working? I'm thinking no, because it's a monster we (our government) has created and perpetuated. Most people of a welfare mentality are that way because it's all they know. They haven't been educated that there are other ways to live. It's a generational thing. The pattern one knows is the pattern one knows. We don't need more welfare, or a socialized health care system. That is not love. That's throwing money or policies at a problem so you don't have to get your hands dirty. If we really love needy people, then we need to be willing to go in and get our hands dirty and show them, educate them. Then again, if I had a government willing to give me everything I wanted, I probably wouldn't want to learn the value of work or the options of school and jobs I had either.

Then again, I would. Because that's what I've learned generationally. Work. Work until you are bone tired, then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again.

Where's the balance? Why can't we work and have time to enjoy the fruits of our labor? Why do I have to call in sick because my job doesn't allow me the space to recuperate mentally and emotionally? Why is half our country working 80 hour weeks and the other half is buying big screen TV's with their welfare checks.

Now, I realize I am generalizing pretty significantly here. But my point still remains. Our society is perpetuating two very different ideals of living, and those two ideals are in complete contradiction. And eventually, it will wear out one half and leave the other half helpless because they never learned how to work for themselves. And then where will our society be?

I'd say, ripe for the picking for whatever the next world superpower will be. China?

I'm tired. So, I'm trying to find balance. I'm taking a day for me. But it's noon and I've already vacuumed and dusted the whole house, deep cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes, done two loads of laundry, cooked and wrapped a present. The message of work is deeply ingrained. But my hammock is up and I'm about to go lay in it and read a pointless magazine. And then I will go work out. It's all about balance. And our country is in deep need of it.

So am I.

Cheers.

Spiritual Awakening

Ok, so it's been a month. But it's been a crazy month. Cut me some slack.

So, I had a spiritual awakening last night. If any of you are familiar with Brene Brown, then you know that "spiritual awakening" is code for breakdown. (If you aren't familiar with Brene Brown you should be. This is her website and you should watch her Ted Talk on shame. It will change your life.)

So.... it's been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been very very hard. I have some really hard cases right now and the upheaval of the staff is still in full swing. Other areas of my life are going through some growing pains, which is good, but not comfortable. And I'm not sleeping. Which just makes everything feel just a little bit heavier. This all culminated last night with a work email, that I should not have read because it was 10 pm, but I did and that was it. The trigger threshold had been hit and I was a sobbing mess on my couch.

You see, I am by nature a runner. Physically, I love the feeling of my leg muscles straining with each mile. I feel more grounded with each footstep that pounds the pavement. Even the stitch in my side has a strange comfort to it because I am acutely aware that I am alive and I am breathing.

When things get tough I really like to run. I mean, I am the one who left everything I knew behind to go to school in this strange land of Arkansas that I don't understand.

But, as I've gotten healthier and more steady with myself and my faith in God, I've been able to stay. To stay in the crucible as the fire gets hot. It sucks. Because I like to run. And my nature has been wanting to take over. Run from my job, run from my relationships, run from my life. But I've been staying. And I've been trying to discern the difference between running, and leaving because it's the healthy and right decision. And I think the different areas in my life are recursively affecting each other. So.... a breakdown (spiritual awakening) was bound to happen. Sometimes you just need a good cry to be able to make sense of things.

I went to Houston this weekend to visit my best friends and meet the new baby. It was SO GOO to be with those girls again. They help me stay. They ground me enough to keep me from running. Even when every muscle in my body is tensing in preparation for the sprint.

So, this morning I went for a run. A real run. I stretched my legs, I let the cold air fill my legs, and reconnected myself with every inhale. My lungs were on fire at the end, but I felt good. Some things are worth staying for and that knowledge will get me through.

Best friends along the way help too.

Cheers!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Let me start this post by saying: Never stay at the Howrd Johnson in Hot Springs! Unless, of course, you enjoy being treated with disrespect by a manager in windpants and flip flops. Then by all means, stay there.

So, my friends and I decided to go to Hot Springs this weekend. We needed a break. We needed to not be in Searcy. If you've ever been to Searcy, then you udnerstand why. We booked some rooms at the HJ, they looked nice online, and there was a deal, so we got two night for $190. We got the confirmation email, 4 adults, 2 nights, $190. Remember those numbers. They are important later.

So Friday, after a wonderful day hiking with the Boy, we loaded up and headed to hot springs. We got there about 9:30 and went in to get our rooms. We were charged $306!! For two hours we talked with the manager. He insisted the rate on our confirmation email was wrong and refused to take the charge off the card. We told him we no longer wanted to stay there and we would pay the cancellation fee and he still refused to take the charge off! Now, I'm sure he thought, 4 young females, we would back down and let him rob us. Well, he picked the wrong females. At one point he asked us if we were lawyers. He turned into a 5 year old. Just telling us no and refusing to do anything. He went back and hid in his little "office" (actually the bar in the hotel). He yelled at us, he told us he couldnt refund us because he didn't have the refund code, his wife did and he couldnt call her (even though he had just been on the phone with her). After two hours, only after we threatened to call the cops, did the guy refund our money and charge us $155 cancellation fee. He still lost money. He should have just given us the origianl rate. But we would have refused to stay anyway. The place was disgusting! Reeked of cigarette smoke and pee. And was completely run down and shady. Plus, we kind of figured dude was going to kill us in our sleep.

I think what burns me the most, is that if a guy had been with us, it wouldn't have gotten as ridiculous and disrespectful as it did. The guy "alan" wouldn't have dared talk to a man the way he talked to us. I guess discrimination and sexism and racism will always be around. To be completely fair, I judged him for the way he was dressed (which I think I'm justified in) and I judged him some for not being able to speak english well. Who knows, maybe he thought we were trying to screw him because he wasn't American. Either way, it was not a pleasant experience.

And we did have the confirmation email.... so..... I'm still thinking he's the bad guy in the situation.

We were proud that we stuck up for ourselves! And celebrated by getting massages and staying in the Peabody the next night, haha. Despite Fridya night, it was a good relaxing weekend, full of friends, laughter and pancakes.

I came home with a cold, but a little bit more self respect as well. And the weekend is proof positive that even if the people around you won't respect you, if you can still respect yourself, everything will be okay in the end.

Never staying in a Howard Johnson, especially the one in Hot Springs, will probably help as well.

Cheers!

Bitterness

On Sunday, after a long day of work, with little sleep because of the activities of the night before (which I will get to later), I decided to make a pot of tea for a little caffeine boost. I made Prince of Wales, which I hadn't had in years, and kind of forgot what it tasted like. I left the tea to steep in the pot and went to lay down on the couch and watch an episode of the OC. Well, I promptly fell asleep on said couch and never drank the tea. So, this morning, still sleep deprived, and still needing caffiene, and running late and unable to brew coffee, I just reheated the tea and drank it on my way to work.

Now, keep in mind, those tea bags have been "steeping" for two days.

The tea.... was a little bitter..... and I'm still not sure what it's supposed to taste like.

Ah bitterness. That seems to be the struggle lately. I've just been angry at people and elements at work. I've been trying very hard to make healthy and wise decisions, and to be Christ-like in my responses. But I've mainly been reacting, and just can't seem to pull myself out of it. But yesterday, through a wise conversation with my mentor and supervisor, the culprit became clear: bitterness.

If I can start looking at the people/person who has hurt me and betrayed me most, with compassion, and see them for the hurt and broken person they are, see them as Christ sees them, the anger and the bitterness loses it's potency. And that is the only way I can navigate this situation in a healthy and Christ-like way. And more basically, I think it's the only way I can survive.

Saturday night, my pretty awesome boyfriend, took me to the symphony. We both got all dressed up, and I felt like a female! (When you work at an adolescent male rehab with lab puppies, you spend a lot of time in tshirts and jeans). We ate indian food and enjoyed some great music. It was a wonderful night..... until.....

When we got back to his car, we found his window smashed in and his GPS missing. (His cologne was also missing.... but my wallet was still there. Odd.) We spent the rest of the evening talking to cops, vacuuming glass and patching the window with duct tape and a tarp. I didn't get home until 2 and had to be at work at 7:55. Through the whole experience, I was oddly calm. Except for when the cop started talking about the loser crack-head that stole the GPS just to get another score. The way he was talking stripped all worth from the theif. Now, yes, we felt violated, and I would love to see the criminal punished. But to strip him of all his worth? To degrade him like he's less than an animal? That's not right. Many of the guys I have worked with, have been or could have been that criminal.

So, then I wondered, why can I have compassion on this stranger who stole our stuff, but I can't for a person I actually know and have relationship with?

Because it's personal. It feels like betrayal. Which probably means it's even more important that I figure out how to have compassion and forgiveness.

Dang it.

So, lent starts tomorrow. And I am giving up negative talk about my job and the people I have issues with that work there. Instead, for these forty days, I'm going to make a gratitude list of all the things I appreciate about the person/situation.

We all experience bitterness. Sometimes it's on purpose. Certain coffees and teas are supposed to have a bitter element to them. No tea is supposed to be bitter from being left steeping for two days though. I've tasted the bitter of life, of my job. And now I can more adequately appreciate the good, if I can make myself remember where it is. That's life. That's how we navigate it. I wonder how much bitterness we are all hanging on to? The obvious, like the prince of wales tea, or the more subtle, like grudges against co-workers or friends. Bitterness is bitterness. No matter how strong, it still takes away the sweet.

Cheers.

Stormy Weather

Ok, confession: I'm at work right now.

It's one of those uncharacteristically down days in the residential treatment world. It's adventure day and I'm not in charge of a group, so I get a free day!

Let's call today the calm after the storm because also uncharacteristically, we had some tornadoes roll through the area last night. Usually, that doesn't happen until April or May. I hate that time of year. Yes, God is awesome and creates some awesome weather. But I'd rather not see it up close.

I feel like the chaos at work has been like a tornado rolling through. Unpredictable. Sunny one moment, green and black the next. So, it's nice to have this break, in more ways than one.

It makes me think of lyrics from my current favorite Avett Brothers song, "February Seven."

"There's no fortune at the end of the road that has no end. There's no returning to the spoils once you've spoiled the thought of them. There's no falling back to sleep once you've waken from the dream. Now I'm rested and I'm ready, I'm rested and I'm ready to begin."
Isn't that just truth? There have been several times I've waken from a dream and tried desperately to go back to sleep and pick up where I left off. One in particular in high school.... I dreamed Josh Hartnett was about to kiss me (remember him? Very nice to look at.) and I woke up just before it happened! I was so mad! When I fell back asleep I think I dreamed about school or something lame.

Once you've realized it's all just a dream, it's like there's no point in going back. Might as well face reality because you can't stay in the dream forever. That's why drugs and alcohol are so appealing, it keeps you in the illusion of the dream. An illusion of a dream? That's neither dreaming nor reality. Sounds like a nightmare to me. But sometimes, I feel like that's where I live.

Once something has been spoiled, it's hard to go back to it. Relationship. Job. Fruit. Once you've seen the bad, it's hard to see the good. That's the problem most of the guys I work with have. No one can see the good in them anymore because of all the "bad" they've done. They can't see the good in themselves anymore. I'm so thankful God blessed me with the ability to look deeper. To see what's still good beneath the spoils, and even to see the benefit in the spoiled parts.

That's why there's no fortune at the end of the road, because the fortune is in the journey along the road. The road isn't supposed to really end. It's the journey not the destination. The spoils are part of the journey. So are the dreams. Fulfilling the dream isn't always the purpose. Sometimes it's the journey that allows you to dream bigger. It's the spoils that allow you to savor the sweet parts of the fruit even more.

It's the storms that make the calm days noticeable and not just another day. Tornadoes and chaos are a part of life, they just don't need to be a way of life. Experienced, yes. Appreciated for the hidden gifts, yes. But stayed in? No. That's why we take cover when the sirens go off.

I think there are some areas where I need to focus less on the end, and more on where I'm at in the journey. On weathering the storm, not running from it, but also being aware of when I need to take cover.I want to notice the spoils and appreciate them. I encourage you all to do the same. Learn from them, accept them as part of your story, but don't make them the only part of your story you or anyone else gets to hear.

That's what therapy is all about. So, technically, since I'm a therapist, I'm kind of doing my job, right?

I'm off to try a new flavor of tea that's been sitting in the workroom, Raspberry hibiscus or something like that. Something calm for the day after the storms.

Cheers.

When God Shows Up...

I wish I could fully explain what today was like for me.
Heartbreaking. Rejuvenating. Frustrating. Hopeless. Hope-full.

That's my job. That's my life.

No hot tea tonight. It was a straight-up hot chocolate kind of day. With marshmallows. Two of them. And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.

I can't really talk specifics, confidentiality and all that. But, let's just say Satan's working on me and on my place of business pretty hard. Yet, today God showed up in a text message from a friend. The text went to someone else, but I was in the same room. And I don't care the number that text went to, God sent it to me. He was very clearly telling me,

I am here. It's ok. I haven't left.

I'm so lucky He's more faithful than me, because I was beginning to wonder where He had gone. And then suddenly, there He was. In a text message. Reminding me He is never further than my own heart. Funny how God shows up randomly like that.

Sometimes He is obvious. When a session breaks open, when hope is restored. When a hurt and lonely boy finds the love and redemption he has been searching for in bottles and needles. When disaster strikes and a group comes together to support. When cancer is healed. When a baby is born. When a cross is raised.

Other times He is sneaky. A fresh fallen snow. A hug from your mom. A 20 dollar bill stuck in your winter coat from last year when you're struggling to pay a bill. A perfectly timed text message from a friend. Flowers on the doorstep from someone who was a stranger 3 weeks ago.

I love that my God knows me well enough to reveal Himself to me on the level I am at. Sometimes I need it to be obvious, sometimes I am open to the sneaky. I love that I know my God well enough to look and listen for Him. I literally broke down sobbing when that text came through today because I don't understand that kind of love. Perfect love. It's overwhelming and to be honest, it's a little scary.

In this moment, I know I will be ok. Whatever happens in this situation, God will provide. But, I'm sure I'll forget that soon. I'll be weak again the second something uncomfortable happens, and in my line of work, that could be 8:02 in the morning. But God will still be there. And eventually I will remember,  because I will still be looking.

In the words of a verse. In the timing of a text message. In the joy of a fluffy orange cat sitting on my face. In a marshmallow melting in my hot chocolate.

And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.... but I'm sure He's in the little ones too.

Cheers.



"Don't try to fix the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."
-Brene Brown