Ok, so it's been a month. But it's been a crazy month. Cut me some slack.
So, I had a spiritual awakening last night. If any of you are familiar with Brene Brown, then you know that "spiritual awakening" is code for breakdown. (If you aren't familiar with Brene Brown you should be. This is her website and you should watch her Ted Talk on shame. It will change your life.)
So.... it's been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been very very hard. I have some really hard cases right now and the upheaval of the staff is still in full swing. Other areas of my life are going through some growing pains, which is good, but not comfortable. And I'm not sleeping. Which just makes everything feel just a little bit heavier. This all culminated last night with a work email, that I should not have read because it was 10 pm, but I did and that was it. The trigger threshold had been hit and I was a sobbing mess on my couch.
You see, I am by nature a runner. Physically, I love the feeling of my leg muscles straining with each mile. I feel more grounded with each footstep that pounds the pavement. Even the stitch in my side has a strange comfort to it because I am acutely aware that I am alive and I am breathing.
When things get tough I really like to run. I mean, I am the one who left everything I knew behind to go to school in this strange land of Arkansas that I don't understand.
But, as I've gotten healthier and more steady with myself and my faith in God, I've been able to stay. To stay in the crucible as the fire gets hot. It sucks. Because I like to run. And my nature has been wanting to take over. Run from my job, run from my relationships, run from my life. But I've been staying. And I've been trying to discern the difference between running, and leaving because it's the healthy and right decision. And I think the different areas in my life are recursively affecting each other. So.... a breakdown (spiritual awakening) was bound to happen. Sometimes you just need a good cry to be able to make sense of things.
I went to Houston this weekend to visit my best friends and meet the new baby. It was SO GOO to be with those girls again. They help me stay. They ground me enough to keep me from running. Even when every muscle in my body is tensing in preparation for the sprint.
So, this morning I went for a run. A real run. I stretched my legs, I let the cold air fill my legs, and reconnected myself with every inhale. My lungs were on fire at the end, but I felt good. Some things are worth staying for and that knowledge will get me through.
Best friends along the way help too.
Cheers!
