Ok, confession: I'm at work right now.
It's one of those uncharacteristically down days in the residential treatment world. It's adventure day and I'm not in charge of a group, so I get a free day!
Let's call today the calm after the storm because also uncharacteristically, we had some tornadoes roll through the area last night. Usually, that doesn't happen until April or May. I hate that time of year. Yes, God is awesome and creates some awesome weather. But I'd rather not see it up close.
I feel like the chaos at work has been like a tornado rolling through. Unpredictable. Sunny one moment, green and black the next. So, it's nice to have this break, in more ways than one.
It makes me think of lyrics from my current favorite Avett Brothers song, "February Seven."
"There's no fortune at the end of the road that has no end. There's no returning to the spoils once you've spoiled the thought of them. There's no falling back to sleep once you've waken from the dream. Now I'm rested and I'm ready, I'm rested and I'm ready to begin."
Isn't that just truth? There have been several times I've waken from a dream and tried desperately to go back to sleep and pick up where I left off. One in particular in high school.... I dreamed Josh Hartnett was about to kiss me (remember him? Very nice to look at.) and I woke up just before it happened! I was so mad! When I fell back asleep I think I dreamed about school or something lame.
Once you've realized it's all just a dream, it's like there's no point in going back. Might as well face reality because you can't stay in the dream forever. That's why drugs and alcohol are so appealing, it keeps you in the illusion of the dream. An illusion of a dream? That's neither dreaming nor reality. Sounds like a nightmare to me. But sometimes, I feel like that's where I live.
Once something has been spoiled, it's hard to go back to it. Relationship. Job. Fruit. Once you've seen the bad, it's hard to see the good. That's the problem most of the guys I work with have. No one can see the good in them anymore because of all the "bad" they've done. They can't see the good in themselves anymore. I'm so thankful God blessed me with the ability to look deeper. To see what's still good beneath the spoils, and even to see the benefit in the spoiled parts.
That's why there's no fortune at the end of the road, because the fortune is in the journey along the road. The road isn't supposed to really end. It's the journey not the destination. The spoils are part of the journey. So are the dreams. Fulfilling the dream isn't always the purpose. Sometimes it's the journey that allows you to dream bigger. It's the spoils that allow you to savor the sweet parts of the fruit even more.
It's the storms that make the calm days noticeable and not just another day. Tornadoes and chaos are a part of life, they just don't need to be a way of life. Experienced, yes. Appreciated for the hidden gifts, yes. But stayed in? No. That's why we take cover when the sirens go off.
I think there are some areas where I need to focus less on the end, and more on where I'm at in the journey. On weathering the storm, not running from it, but also being aware of when I need to take cover.I want to notice the spoils and appreciate them. I encourage you all to do the same. Learn from them, accept them as part of your story, but don't make them the only part of your story you or anyone else gets to hear.
That's what therapy is all about. So, technically, since I'm a therapist, I'm kind of doing my job, right?
I'm off to try a new flavor of tea that's been sitting in the workroom, Raspberry hibiscus or something like that. Something calm for the day after the storms.
Cheers.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
When God Shows Up...
I wish I could fully explain what today was like for me.
Heartbreaking. Rejuvenating. Frustrating. Hopeless. Hope-full.
That's my job. That's my life.
No hot tea tonight. It was a straight-up hot chocolate kind of day. With marshmallows. Two of them. And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.
I can't really talk specifics, confidentiality and all that. But, let's just say Satan's working on me and on my place of business pretty hard. Yet, today God showed up in a text message from a friend. The text went to someone else, but I was in the same room. And I don't care the number that text went to, God sent it to me. He was very clearly telling me,
I am here. It's ok. I haven't left.
I'm so lucky He's more faithful than me, because I was beginning to wonder where He had gone. And then suddenly, there He was. In a text message. Reminding me He is never further than my own heart. Funny how God shows up randomly like that.
Sometimes He is obvious. When a session breaks open, when hope is restored. When a hurt and lonely boy finds the love and redemption he has been searching for in bottles and needles. When disaster strikes and a group comes together to support. When cancer is healed. When a baby is born. When a cross is raised.
Other times He is sneaky. A fresh fallen snow. A hug from your mom. A 20 dollar bill stuck in your winter coat from last year when you're struggling to pay a bill. A perfectly timed text message from a friend. Flowers on the doorstep from someone who was a stranger 3 weeks ago.
I love that my God knows me well enough to reveal Himself to me on the level I am at. Sometimes I need it to be obvious, sometimes I am open to the sneaky. I love that I know my God well enough to look and listen for Him. I literally broke down sobbing when that text came through today because I don't understand that kind of love. Perfect love. It's overwhelming and to be honest, it's a little scary.
In this moment, I know I will be ok. Whatever happens in this situation, God will provide. But, I'm sure I'll forget that soon. I'll be weak again the second something uncomfortable happens, and in my line of work, that could be 8:02 in the morning. But God will still be there. And eventually I will remember, because I will still be looking.
In the words of a verse. In the timing of a text message. In the joy of a fluffy orange cat sitting on my face. In a marshmallow melting in my hot chocolate.
And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.... but I'm sure He's in the little ones too.
Cheers.
"Don't try to fix the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."
-Brene Brown
Heartbreaking. Rejuvenating. Frustrating. Hopeless. Hope-full.
That's my job. That's my life.
No hot tea tonight. It was a straight-up hot chocolate kind of day. With marshmallows. Two of them. And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.
I can't really talk specifics, confidentiality and all that. But, let's just say Satan's working on me and on my place of business pretty hard. Yet, today God showed up in a text message from a friend. The text went to someone else, but I was in the same room. And I don't care the number that text went to, God sent it to me. He was very clearly telling me,
I am here. It's ok. I haven't left.
I'm so lucky He's more faithful than me, because I was beginning to wonder where He had gone. And then suddenly, there He was. In a text message. Reminding me He is never further than my own heart. Funny how God shows up randomly like that.
Sometimes He is obvious. When a session breaks open, when hope is restored. When a hurt and lonely boy finds the love and redemption he has been searching for in bottles and needles. When disaster strikes and a group comes together to support. When cancer is healed. When a baby is born. When a cross is raised.
Other times He is sneaky. A fresh fallen snow. A hug from your mom. A 20 dollar bill stuck in your winter coat from last year when you're struggling to pay a bill. A perfectly timed text message from a friend. Flowers on the doorstep from someone who was a stranger 3 weeks ago.
I love that my God knows me well enough to reveal Himself to me on the level I am at. Sometimes I need it to be obvious, sometimes I am open to the sneaky. I love that I know my God well enough to look and listen for Him. I literally broke down sobbing when that text came through today because I don't understand that kind of love. Perfect love. It's overwhelming and to be honest, it's a little scary.
In this moment, I know I will be ok. Whatever happens in this situation, God will provide. But, I'm sure I'll forget that soon. I'll be weak again the second something uncomfortable happens, and in my line of work, that could be 8:02 in the morning. But God will still be there. And eventually I will remember, because I will still be looking.
In the words of a verse. In the timing of a text message. In the joy of a fluffy orange cat sitting on my face. In a marshmallow melting in my hot chocolate.
And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.... but I'm sure He's in the little ones too.
Cheers.
"Don't try to fix the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."
-Brene Brown
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A Savory Sunday Morning...
It's a lazy Sunday morning. I woke up for early service, but had already decided to go to late service with a friend. So, I've been enjoying the rare phenomenon of a lazy morning.
I've got a cup of Irish Breakfast tea. It's strong and a little earthy, just like the rolling hills of Ireland and the strong Irishmen who plow those hills. It slowly wakes me up, and this morning I have the time to savor it's earthy aroma. I don't have to chug it for the quickest caffeine intake possible. This is how tea was meant to be enjoyed.
I've been in a state of anxiety and stress for the past two months, for various reasons, but most of them pertaining to work. Everything is changing, and I can't quite figure out what's going on or what I need to do about it. Unfortunately, at my job I don't have the option of taking it slowly and savoring the experience. I kind of have to chug it.
But in my Jesus Calling devotional book this morning it says:
I've been approaching life over the last few months they way I approach tea and coffee in the morning. Chug it and get the benefits as quickly as possible! But that's not the way tea and coffee are meant to be experienced. They are to be enjoyed. The benefit is in the aroma, the flowing and intricate blend of flavors, the warmth as it flows down your throat to your belly and slowly fills you up. The same is true for life. Instead of doing my best to rush through the stress and chaos of work/life right now, I need to slow down, notice the process. It's in the process that God's flowing and intricate plan is made. And it is a good plan. There is something here for me to learn, about me, about God, about process... and in trying to miss the pain I might miss the beauty God is trying to reveal to me.
Now, that is all very easy to notice and appreciate on this Sunday morning, when I have some down time. But the true test will be Monday morning when I have to rush off to work, chug my coffee before group, and survive another day in my world right now.
But, even if I'm not perfect, I will be more aware. Because I desire more than surviving. I desire to LIVE. And live I shall, even if it's slow, even if it hurts. Because God is good, and that never changes.
Cheers.
I've got a cup of Irish Breakfast tea. It's strong and a little earthy, just like the rolling hills of Ireland and the strong Irishmen who plow those hills. It slowly wakes me up, and this morning I have the time to savor it's earthy aroma. I don't have to chug it for the quickest caffeine intake possible. This is how tea was meant to be enjoyed.
I've been in a state of anxiety and stress for the past two months, for various reasons, but most of them pertaining to work. Everything is changing, and I can't quite figure out what's going on or what I need to do about it. Unfortunately, at my job I don't have the option of taking it slowly and savoring the experience. I kind of have to chug it.
But in my Jesus Calling devotional book this morning it says:
"On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different than what you expected....stay in communication with me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don't try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you and they are good." (on a later day, because I had the time to read ahead this morning),"Anything that makes you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties...trust Me in all situations. Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been."
I've been approaching life over the last few months they way I approach tea and coffee in the morning. Chug it and get the benefits as quickly as possible! But that's not the way tea and coffee are meant to be experienced. They are to be enjoyed. The benefit is in the aroma, the flowing and intricate blend of flavors, the warmth as it flows down your throat to your belly and slowly fills you up. The same is true for life. Instead of doing my best to rush through the stress and chaos of work/life right now, I need to slow down, notice the process. It's in the process that God's flowing and intricate plan is made. And it is a good plan. There is something here for me to learn, about me, about God, about process... and in trying to miss the pain I might miss the beauty God is trying to reveal to me.
Now, that is all very easy to notice and appreciate on this Sunday morning, when I have some down time. But the true test will be Monday morning when I have to rush off to work, chug my coffee before group, and survive another day in my world right now.
But, even if I'm not perfect, I will be more aware. Because I desire more than surviving. I desire to LIVE. And live I shall, even if it's slow, even if it hurts. Because God is good, and that never changes.
Cheers.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The hint of vanilla...
It snowed today. And I know it's crazy for some people now, roads are icy, there are many accidents and some people's lives were changed forever tonight. But for me, it's peaceful. There's a small blanket of white on the ground; somehow life is a little more pure tonight.
It's odd how one person's tragedy can be another person's comfort.
I've got the big mug I bought at the grand canyon. I went there over the summer with two of my best friends. These girls are sisters. Our lives are changing, our relationships are shifting a little. Megan got married last year. Stacy has been married two years and just had a baby a little over a week ago. (She is the cutest baby ever, and that is just fact. No bias.) And I'm single. We all live in different states and we are all in different phases of life. Things can't help but change. I remember when one of my professors in college told me the girls I was best friends with then would just be Christmas card friends in a few years. Well, if there was ever a time that could start to happen, it would probably be now. And that's life, that's normal.
But the three of us have never been normal.
Whatever changes, however difficult things become. If Stacy has 12 kids and I get 12 cats. Then Megan will compromise and have 6 kids and 6 cats. Because we just make it work, even if we have to work harder. And we will be there for each other, even if we are toting kids and cats with us.
So I'm sipping Sleepytime Vanilla tea from my grand canyon mug. And I could be sad and long for past times, when we were all in the same phase, when I was more confident of our place in each others' lives. But I look down and the mug is half full. And it tastes of comfort, with a little hint of sweetness. And the world is white. I can't help but smile.
Because phases don't change hearts. And there will be more trips and there will be more mugs. Even if I just visit their home and have to steal a mug from their kitchen.
And there it is. Separation intertwined. Tragedy and comfort. The silver lining in a storm. The hint of vanilla.
Cheers.
It's odd how one person's tragedy can be another person's comfort.
I've got the big mug I bought at the grand canyon. I went there over the summer with two of my best friends. These girls are sisters. Our lives are changing, our relationships are shifting a little. Megan got married last year. Stacy has been married two years and just had a baby a little over a week ago. (She is the cutest baby ever, and that is just fact. No bias.) And I'm single. We all live in different states and we are all in different phases of life. Things can't help but change. I remember when one of my professors in college told me the girls I was best friends with then would just be Christmas card friends in a few years. Well, if there was ever a time that could start to happen, it would probably be now. And that's life, that's normal.
But the three of us have never been normal.
Whatever changes, however difficult things become. If Stacy has 12 kids and I get 12 cats. Then Megan will compromise and have 6 kids and 6 cats. Because we just make it work, even if we have to work harder. And we will be there for each other, even if we are toting kids and cats with us.
So I'm sipping Sleepytime Vanilla tea from my grand canyon mug. And I could be sad and long for past times, when we were all in the same phase, when I was more confident of our place in each others' lives. But I look down and the mug is half full. And it tastes of comfort, with a little hint of sweetness. And the world is white. I can't help but smile.
Because phases don't change hearts. And there will be more trips and there will be more mugs. Even if I just visit their home and have to steal a mug from their kitchen.
And there it is. Separation intertwined. Tragedy and comfort. The silver lining in a storm. The hint of vanilla.
Cheers.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
And so the journey begins...
I fancy myself a writer. But I am a writer who hasn't written anything other than a treatment plan in a long time. And that, my friends, is unacceptable.
I'm a Marriage and Family therapist, but I work with adolescent males struggling with addictions. Yep, I know. Yikes! But, I absolutely love it. However, these boys leave me little time and mental capacity to be creative when I'm not at work. So, this blog is my feeble attempt to get the creative writing juices flowing again.
I don't plan to write about anything specific, whatever strikes me on any given day. And I seriously doubt anyone, unless they are a close friend or are related, will read this or care. But that's ok. I'm being creative!
I believe most problems in life can be settled with a long run, a hot cup of tea, or a good book. I started today with a cup of English Breakfast tea, had some church in there, and am about to end the day reading my new book, Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I'm very excited to start it! There was no run today because it was a rest day. All in all, a very good day. I bid you all goodnight, and hope you get to enjoy something warm and relaxing today as well.
Cheers!
I'm a Marriage and Family therapist, but I work with adolescent males struggling with addictions. Yep, I know. Yikes! But, I absolutely love it. However, these boys leave me little time and mental capacity to be creative when I'm not at work. So, this blog is my feeble attempt to get the creative writing juices flowing again.
I don't plan to write about anything specific, whatever strikes me on any given day. And I seriously doubt anyone, unless they are a close friend or are related, will read this or care. But that's ok. I'm being creative!
I believe most problems in life can be settled with a long run, a hot cup of tea, or a good book. I started today with a cup of English Breakfast tea, had some church in there, and am about to end the day reading my new book, Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I'm very excited to start it! There was no run today because it was a rest day. All in all, a very good day. I bid you all goodnight, and hope you get to enjoy something warm and relaxing today as well.
Cheers!
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