Turn it Off!!

It's been a while since I posted. Whatever. You expected more?

I ran away this weekend. Straight up ran to the woods for some peace and quiet. Life had officially reached a decibel that I couldn't tolerate anymore. I ran to Mountain Thyme B&B in Jessieville, AR. You should go there.

It was the most peaceful, relaxing experience I have ever had. I made about 3 pots of tea, read an entire book, hiked until it started raining, laid in the hammock till I got too cold, read by the fire until I got too hot, fell asleep on the porch swing and stayed in the jacuzzi tub far longer than I'd like to admit. I journaled. I prayed. And it was quiet enough that I actually heard back when I did.

Sometimes, life gets too loud and you have to say enough is enough and turn it off for a while.

Now, it's no secret I'm a therapist. And I see the world and the people in it through my little therapist lens. Trust me, I wish I could turn it off sometimes just as much as the people around me do. That's why most of my friends are therapists. We are the only ones that can tolerate each other. I can't watch movies without seeing trauma. I can't listen to love songs without hearing codependency. I mean, I asked my boyfriend on our second date if he had ever looked at pornography. Who does that?? I'm surprised he didn't run away right then.

The problem is, I can spend too much time looking through my therapy lens and forget that I have my own story of hurt and trauma. Yes, I'm a therapist. But there is still a part of me that is a hurt little girl. And I tend to ignore her. I take care of other people because I can see their pain and I know how to help. And I figure I can always take care of myself later, because I should know how. And yes, that is pretty close to the definition of codependency.

I wish I could turn my therapy lens off for a while and see the world the way I used to. It was easier then.

Then again, it wasn't. Now that I know what living life fully and experiencing people fully feels like, I can't go back. It's like saying McDonald's chicken nuggets are my favorite food. They were when I was 5. Then, around age 18, I discovered grilled salmon and it is so much better than chicken nuggets! Chicken nuggets are still good, but I'll take grilled salmon over them any day.

It's all about balance. I can take care of myself and still be there for others when they need me to be. I can find peace in a world of noise without having to run away.

But a reset helps from time to time.

Run away to the woods, gather yourself, see God more obviously so that He's easier to see and hear and feel when He's not so obvious.

I suggest making sure there's tea. And a hammock. And a jacuzzi tub is a pretty sweet bonus.... not gonna lie.

Cheers!

Peace that Passes All Understanding

I'm reading the book "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, mainly because I'm trying to have a deeper understanding of the Holy Spirit because I grew up in a church that never spoke of him. But, it's also part of my recommitment to spend time intentionally focused on God everyday.

I tend to put God on the backburner when life gets crazy busy, and then I wake up wondering where He went and why I feel so lost. Well, He didn't go anywhere, I did. I figure if I make sure I'm intentionally focusing on Him everyday, then I'm more likely to see and experience Him unintentionally as well.

So, I'm reading and here comes this passage:
"Most church-goers are content to find a bit of peace rather than a 'peace of God which surpasses all understanding' (Phil 4:7). We want just enough peace to survive the week (or perhaps even the day)."

Well, Francis Chan, good job. You hit the nail on the head.

For the last year (ok, maybe longer) I have been in survival mode. My prayers have been, "God get me to 5:00 today, God get me through this session, God just help me make it to Friday..." And yes, sometimes, that was all I could muster to ask for in the moment. I was so hurt and so lost that I could only see to the end of the hour.

But, that's not all God can muster. He's more than capable to get me through more than just a day. In fact, he is yearning to pass on His peace to me. A peace that extends beyond the reaches of the world or the devil who is trying to run it. And here I am, putting God in a box. Not asking for the deepest peace, either because I lack the faith He can really give it, or the self-worth to believe I can have it.

Can you imagine peace like that? Of course not, that's why it surpasses all understanding. But, man do I crave it. So, some things need to happen. First of all, I need to expect it. I need to be expectant that God is going to do amazing, wonderful things, beyond my comprehension. A smart man named Dr. Rackley led a devotional series on that. I promise I was paying attention then, it's just taken on a whole new meaning now. Second of all, I need to be longing for my God the way I long for peace. Because He is peace. And part of my discontent is that I've let myself get so far away from Him. I'm not going around leading a sinful or un-Godly life, but I'm not pursuing him as much as I could be either. I've been pursuing the mission, not Him. And as I long for God, and strive to know Him, he will continue to show me who I am, through His eyes. And there is my worth. He is who makes me worthy, and no one can take that away.

He is all I need. And honestly, that surpasses my understanding too. I'm a recovering performance- based control-freak. And sometimes I slip into my old ways and the idea of someone loving me, not based on what I can do, or how I look, or how I make them feel, completely blows my mind. It completely surpasses my limited understanding. He loves me. Just for me, because He made me perfect (Hebrews 10:14). Real love. Unconditional love.

Mind. Blown.

Heart. Full.

He also has patience that surpasses all understanding. Because no matter how many times I look up realize I've drifted, He's still there, welcoming me back, shaking his head at my silliness for trying to do it on my own again. I really don't get patience like that. I mean, if you've ever ridden in a car with me, you know patience is not my strongest spiritual gift... ( I blame some of it on Arkansas drivers. They don't have to take a test to get a license and it shows. Most of them don't know what a blinker is. Or a gas pedal...)

Anyway, I'm not going to pursue peace, because that sounds counter productive. But I am pursuing God, and the Spirit, and that's pretty much the same thing. And I will mess up and I will get distracted and my old ways will try to take over, and then God will remind me, Silly child, you aren't meant to do it alone.

Because we weren't created to do it alone. We need Him. We need each other.

Cheers

Work, but Don't Forget to Live

I'm at work, just finished some paperwork, and am enjoying my second cup of Echinacea tea this morning. The tag on the tea bag says "Work, but don't forget to live." How appropriate!

It's family week, my third intensive week in four weeks. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night or felt refreshed when I woke up in the morning. I am in desperate need of some R&R and some personal TLC. I'm sensing a theme in my life.

There's a reason God initiated a Sabbath day. To be fully capable of doing the things he has called us to, and to be open and able to hear him, you need to be fully rested. When life gets in the way, and you're straining to hear God through the cacophony of work and the world, it's easy to get lost. You wake up one morning and have no idea how you got so tired or when faith started to feel like a chore, one more thing on your plate.

So, here's the double bind.... What do you do when your mission is the thing keeping you tired? When the mission is just in one of those tough spots and is demanding more from you than you feel capable of giving? Is it a faith issue? God says He wont give us more than we can bear. So, am I stronger than I think I am? Or am I too tired to be able to discern what God's really telling me?

Right now, every thing feels like work. And I don't like it. I'd like to get back to living.

So, in this moment, this brief break from family week, I'll sip my tea and enjoy the warmth as it slides down my throat and circles my heart. In this moment, I will live. And I will enjoy it. And savor it. And maybe that's how you push through the hard times.... savor the moments of living when you're in a spot where moments are all you get.

Cheers!

God is Good, Even When I Don't Understand....

And tonight I don't understand.

Tonight I'm very brutally reminded of why I do what I do. Life is short. Life is precious. And we all deserve every opportunity to live that life with as much possibility as possible. I fight and struggle for and with those who can't fight for themselves, or who don't believe they are worth fighting for. And no matter how tired I get, I won't stop. Because the fight is important.

But tonight, the word fight feels too harsh.

What it really is, is LOVE. I love kids who can't love themselves or who don't believe they are worth loving. I show them Jesus and His perfect love by trying to let them see themselves from His eyes, and not the world's.

And of course, loving someone makes it all the harder when things don't end the way you hope and pray. When a life is taken long before it was supposed to be.

But the pain is worth it. Because if someone gets the chance to be loved, to them it really doesn't matter for how long.

My heart is heavy. And I don't understand.

But God is good.

So, if you love someone, tell them. If amends are needed, make them. If you need help, ask for it. If you have a passion, follow it.

Because we really aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

There's an 18 year old boy who found that out today. And I don't understand why. But God is good, so I will keep loving. I hope you will too.

Love.

A House Divided....

Ok, yeah, it's been a while.... Life is busy.

I called in sick to work today. No, I am not sick by your normal definition. But, man did I need a day! I'm calling this my mental health day. And I think it qualifies in the sick department. My mind had reached its max, my stress level was at the boiling point. If I didn't get just one day to myself I was going to lose it. And that, is not pretty.

I think that's a problem we have in our society. We are always on the go, move move move. Trying to prove our worth by what we produce or how much we get done. And then there's the other half of society that demands things be given to them, that demands the same luxuries and rights as the productive part of society. So we live in a nation where half of us are working ourselves into the ground and the other half is soaking up the fruits of our labor. What happens when we wear ourselves out? What happens when there isn't time for a mental health day (or obamacare doesn't allow us one) and we all crumble from exhaustion? Will the other half start working? I'm thinking no, because it's a monster we (our government) has created and perpetuated. Most people of a welfare mentality are that way because it's all they know. They haven't been educated that there are other ways to live. It's a generational thing. The pattern one knows is the pattern one knows. We don't need more welfare, or a socialized health care system. That is not love. That's throwing money or policies at a problem so you don't have to get your hands dirty. If we really love needy people, then we need to be willing to go in and get our hands dirty and show them, educate them. Then again, if I had a government willing to give me everything I wanted, I probably wouldn't want to learn the value of work or the options of school and jobs I had either.

Then again, I would. Because that's what I've learned generationally. Work. Work until you are bone tired, then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again.

Where's the balance? Why can't we work and have time to enjoy the fruits of our labor? Why do I have to call in sick because my job doesn't allow me the space to recuperate mentally and emotionally? Why is half our country working 80 hour weeks and the other half is buying big screen TV's with their welfare checks.

Now, I realize I am generalizing pretty significantly here. But my point still remains. Our society is perpetuating two very different ideals of living, and those two ideals are in complete contradiction. And eventually, it will wear out one half and leave the other half helpless because they never learned how to work for themselves. And then where will our society be?

I'd say, ripe for the picking for whatever the next world superpower will be. China?

I'm tired. So, I'm trying to find balance. I'm taking a day for me. But it's noon and I've already vacuumed and dusted the whole house, deep cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes, done two loads of laundry, cooked and wrapped a present. The message of work is deeply ingrained. But my hammock is up and I'm about to go lay in it and read a pointless magazine. And then I will go work out. It's all about balance. And our country is in deep need of it.

So am I.

Cheers.

Spiritual Awakening

Ok, so it's been a month. But it's been a crazy month. Cut me some slack.

So, I had a spiritual awakening last night. If any of you are familiar with Brene Brown, then you know that "spiritual awakening" is code for breakdown. (If you aren't familiar with Brene Brown you should be. This is her website and you should watch her Ted Talk on shame. It will change your life.)

So.... it's been a rough couple of weeks. Work has been very very hard. I have some really hard cases right now and the upheaval of the staff is still in full swing. Other areas of my life are going through some growing pains, which is good, but not comfortable. And I'm not sleeping. Which just makes everything feel just a little bit heavier. This all culminated last night with a work email, that I should not have read because it was 10 pm, but I did and that was it. The trigger threshold had been hit and I was a sobbing mess on my couch.

You see, I am by nature a runner. Physically, I love the feeling of my leg muscles straining with each mile. I feel more grounded with each footstep that pounds the pavement. Even the stitch in my side has a strange comfort to it because I am acutely aware that I am alive and I am breathing.

When things get tough I really like to run. I mean, I am the one who left everything I knew behind to go to school in this strange land of Arkansas that I don't understand.

But, as I've gotten healthier and more steady with myself and my faith in God, I've been able to stay. To stay in the crucible as the fire gets hot. It sucks. Because I like to run. And my nature has been wanting to take over. Run from my job, run from my relationships, run from my life. But I've been staying. And I've been trying to discern the difference between running, and leaving because it's the healthy and right decision. And I think the different areas in my life are recursively affecting each other. So.... a breakdown (spiritual awakening) was bound to happen. Sometimes you just need a good cry to be able to make sense of things.

I went to Houston this weekend to visit my best friends and meet the new baby. It was SO GOO to be with those girls again. They help me stay. They ground me enough to keep me from running. Even when every muscle in my body is tensing in preparation for the sprint.

So, this morning I went for a run. A real run. I stretched my legs, I let the cold air fill my legs, and reconnected myself with every inhale. My lungs were on fire at the end, but I felt good. Some things are worth staying for and that knowledge will get me through.

Best friends along the way help too.

Cheers!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Let me start this post by saying: Never stay at the Howrd Johnson in Hot Springs! Unless, of course, you enjoy being treated with disrespect by a manager in windpants and flip flops. Then by all means, stay there.

So, my friends and I decided to go to Hot Springs this weekend. We needed a break. We needed to not be in Searcy. If you've ever been to Searcy, then you udnerstand why. We booked some rooms at the HJ, they looked nice online, and there was a deal, so we got two night for $190. We got the confirmation email, 4 adults, 2 nights, $190. Remember those numbers. They are important later.

So Friday, after a wonderful day hiking with the Boy, we loaded up and headed to hot springs. We got there about 9:30 and went in to get our rooms. We were charged $306!! For two hours we talked with the manager. He insisted the rate on our confirmation email was wrong and refused to take the charge off the card. We told him we no longer wanted to stay there and we would pay the cancellation fee and he still refused to take the charge off! Now, I'm sure he thought, 4 young females, we would back down and let him rob us. Well, he picked the wrong females. At one point he asked us if we were lawyers. He turned into a 5 year old. Just telling us no and refusing to do anything. He went back and hid in his little "office" (actually the bar in the hotel). He yelled at us, he told us he couldnt refund us because he didn't have the refund code, his wife did and he couldnt call her (even though he had just been on the phone with her). After two hours, only after we threatened to call the cops, did the guy refund our money and charge us $155 cancellation fee. He still lost money. He should have just given us the origianl rate. But we would have refused to stay anyway. The place was disgusting! Reeked of cigarette smoke and pee. And was completely run down and shady. Plus, we kind of figured dude was going to kill us in our sleep.

I think what burns me the most, is that if a guy had been with us, it wouldn't have gotten as ridiculous and disrespectful as it did. The guy "alan" wouldn't have dared talk to a man the way he talked to us. I guess discrimination and sexism and racism will always be around. To be completely fair, I judged him for the way he was dressed (which I think I'm justified in) and I judged him some for not being able to speak english well. Who knows, maybe he thought we were trying to screw him because he wasn't American. Either way, it was not a pleasant experience.

And we did have the confirmation email.... so..... I'm still thinking he's the bad guy in the situation.

We were proud that we stuck up for ourselves! And celebrated by getting massages and staying in the Peabody the next night, haha. Despite Fridya night, it was a good relaxing weekend, full of friends, laughter and pancakes.

I came home with a cold, but a little bit more self respect as well. And the weekend is proof positive that even if the people around you won't respect you, if you can still respect yourself, everything will be okay in the end.

Never staying in a Howard Johnson, especially the one in Hot Springs, will probably help as well.

Cheers!

Bitterness

On Sunday, after a long day of work, with little sleep because of the activities of the night before (which I will get to later), I decided to make a pot of tea for a little caffeine boost. I made Prince of Wales, which I hadn't had in years, and kind of forgot what it tasted like. I left the tea to steep in the pot and went to lay down on the couch and watch an episode of the OC. Well, I promptly fell asleep on said couch and never drank the tea. So, this morning, still sleep deprived, and still needing caffiene, and running late and unable to brew coffee, I just reheated the tea and drank it on my way to work.

Now, keep in mind, those tea bags have been "steeping" for two days.

The tea.... was a little bitter..... and I'm still not sure what it's supposed to taste like.

Ah bitterness. That seems to be the struggle lately. I've just been angry at people and elements at work. I've been trying very hard to make healthy and wise decisions, and to be Christ-like in my responses. But I've mainly been reacting, and just can't seem to pull myself out of it. But yesterday, through a wise conversation with my mentor and supervisor, the culprit became clear: bitterness.

If I can start looking at the people/person who has hurt me and betrayed me most, with compassion, and see them for the hurt and broken person they are, see them as Christ sees them, the anger and the bitterness loses it's potency. And that is the only way I can navigate this situation in a healthy and Christ-like way. And more basically, I think it's the only way I can survive.

Saturday night, my pretty awesome boyfriend, took me to the symphony. We both got all dressed up, and I felt like a female! (When you work at an adolescent male rehab with lab puppies, you spend a lot of time in tshirts and jeans). We ate indian food and enjoyed some great music. It was a wonderful night..... until.....

When we got back to his car, we found his window smashed in and his GPS missing. (His cologne was also missing.... but my wallet was still there. Odd.) We spent the rest of the evening talking to cops, vacuuming glass and patching the window with duct tape and a tarp. I didn't get home until 2 and had to be at work at 7:55. Through the whole experience, I was oddly calm. Except for when the cop started talking about the loser crack-head that stole the GPS just to get another score. The way he was talking stripped all worth from the theif. Now, yes, we felt violated, and I would love to see the criminal punished. But to strip him of all his worth? To degrade him like he's less than an animal? That's not right. Many of the guys I have worked with, have been or could have been that criminal.

So, then I wondered, why can I have compassion on this stranger who stole our stuff, but I can't for a person I actually know and have relationship with?

Because it's personal. It feels like betrayal. Which probably means it's even more important that I figure out how to have compassion and forgiveness.

Dang it.

So, lent starts tomorrow. And I am giving up negative talk about my job and the people I have issues with that work there. Instead, for these forty days, I'm going to make a gratitude list of all the things I appreciate about the person/situation.

We all experience bitterness. Sometimes it's on purpose. Certain coffees and teas are supposed to have a bitter element to them. No tea is supposed to be bitter from being left steeping for two days though. I've tasted the bitter of life, of my job. And now I can more adequately appreciate the good, if I can make myself remember where it is. That's life. That's how we navigate it. I wonder how much bitterness we are all hanging on to? The obvious, like the prince of wales tea, or the more subtle, like grudges against co-workers or friends. Bitterness is bitterness. No matter how strong, it still takes away the sweet.

Cheers.

Stormy Weather

Ok, confession: I'm at work right now.

It's one of those uncharacteristically down days in the residential treatment world. It's adventure day and I'm not in charge of a group, so I get a free day!

Let's call today the calm after the storm because also uncharacteristically, we had some tornadoes roll through the area last night. Usually, that doesn't happen until April or May. I hate that time of year. Yes, God is awesome and creates some awesome weather. But I'd rather not see it up close.

I feel like the chaos at work has been like a tornado rolling through. Unpredictable. Sunny one moment, green and black the next. So, it's nice to have this break, in more ways than one.

It makes me think of lyrics from my current favorite Avett Brothers song, "February Seven."

"There's no fortune at the end of the road that has no end. There's no returning to the spoils once you've spoiled the thought of them. There's no falling back to sleep once you've waken from the dream. Now I'm rested and I'm ready, I'm rested and I'm ready to begin."
Isn't that just truth? There have been several times I've waken from a dream and tried desperately to go back to sleep and pick up where I left off. One in particular in high school.... I dreamed Josh Hartnett was about to kiss me (remember him? Very nice to look at.) and I woke up just before it happened! I was so mad! When I fell back asleep I think I dreamed about school or something lame.

Once you've realized it's all just a dream, it's like there's no point in going back. Might as well face reality because you can't stay in the dream forever. That's why drugs and alcohol are so appealing, it keeps you in the illusion of the dream. An illusion of a dream? That's neither dreaming nor reality. Sounds like a nightmare to me. But sometimes, I feel like that's where I live.

Once something has been spoiled, it's hard to go back to it. Relationship. Job. Fruit. Once you've seen the bad, it's hard to see the good. That's the problem most of the guys I work with have. No one can see the good in them anymore because of all the "bad" they've done. They can't see the good in themselves anymore. I'm so thankful God blessed me with the ability to look deeper. To see what's still good beneath the spoils, and even to see the benefit in the spoiled parts.

That's why there's no fortune at the end of the road, because the fortune is in the journey along the road. The road isn't supposed to really end. It's the journey not the destination. The spoils are part of the journey. So are the dreams. Fulfilling the dream isn't always the purpose. Sometimes it's the journey that allows you to dream bigger. It's the spoils that allow you to savor the sweet parts of the fruit even more.

It's the storms that make the calm days noticeable and not just another day. Tornadoes and chaos are a part of life, they just don't need to be a way of life. Experienced, yes. Appreciated for the hidden gifts, yes. But stayed in? No. That's why we take cover when the sirens go off.

I think there are some areas where I need to focus less on the end, and more on where I'm at in the journey. On weathering the storm, not running from it, but also being aware of when I need to take cover.I want to notice the spoils and appreciate them. I encourage you all to do the same. Learn from them, accept them as part of your story, but don't make them the only part of your story you or anyone else gets to hear.

That's what therapy is all about. So, technically, since I'm a therapist, I'm kind of doing my job, right?

I'm off to try a new flavor of tea that's been sitting in the workroom, Raspberry hibiscus or something like that. Something calm for the day after the storms.

Cheers.

When God Shows Up...

I wish I could fully explain what today was like for me.
Heartbreaking. Rejuvenating. Frustrating. Hopeless. Hope-full.

That's my job. That's my life.

No hot tea tonight. It was a straight-up hot chocolate kind of day. With marshmallows. Two of them. And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.

I can't really talk specifics, confidentiality and all that. But, let's just say Satan's working on me and on my place of business pretty hard. Yet, today God showed up in a text message from a friend. The text went to someone else, but I was in the same room. And I don't care the number that text went to, God sent it to me. He was very clearly telling me,

I am here. It's ok. I haven't left.

I'm so lucky He's more faithful than me, because I was beginning to wonder where He had gone. And then suddenly, there He was. In a text message. Reminding me He is never further than my own heart. Funny how God shows up randomly like that.

Sometimes He is obvious. When a session breaks open, when hope is restored. When a hurt and lonely boy finds the love and redemption he has been searching for in bottles and needles. When disaster strikes and a group comes together to support. When cancer is healed. When a baby is born. When a cross is raised.

Other times He is sneaky. A fresh fallen snow. A hug from your mom. A 20 dollar bill stuck in your winter coat from last year when you're struggling to pay a bill. A perfectly timed text message from a friend. Flowers on the doorstep from someone who was a stranger 3 weeks ago.

I love that my God knows me well enough to reveal Himself to me on the level I am at. Sometimes I need it to be obvious, sometimes I am open to the sneaky. I love that I know my God well enough to look and listen for Him. I literally broke down sobbing when that text came through today because I don't understand that kind of love. Perfect love. It's overwhelming and to be honest, it's a little scary.

In this moment, I know I will be ok. Whatever happens in this situation, God will provide. But, I'm sure I'll forget that soon. I'll be weak again the second something uncomfortable happens, and in my line of work, that could be 8:02 in the morning. But God will still be there. And eventually I will remember,  because I will still be looking.

In the words of a verse. In the timing of a text message. In the joy of a fluffy orange cat sitting on my face. In a marshmallow melting in my hot chocolate.

And I'm talking those really huge campfire marshmallows.... but I'm sure He's in the little ones too.

Cheers.



"Don't try to fix the haters. You're not the jackass whisperer."
-Brene Brown

A Savory Sunday Morning...

It's a lazy Sunday morning. I woke up for early service, but had already decided to go to late service with a friend. So, I've been enjoying the rare phenomenon of a lazy morning.

I've got a cup of Irish Breakfast tea. It's strong and a little earthy, just like the rolling hills of Ireland and the strong Irishmen who plow those hills. It slowly wakes me up, and this morning I have the time to savor it's earthy aroma. I don't have to chug it for the quickest caffeine intake possible. This is how tea was meant to be enjoyed.

I've been in a state of anxiety and stress for the past two months, for various reasons, but most of them pertaining to work. Everything is changing, and I can't quite figure out what's going on or what I need to do about it. Unfortunately, at my job I don't have the option of taking it slowly and savoring the experience. I kind of have to chug it.

But in my Jesus Calling devotional book this morning it says:

"On days when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different than what you expected....stay in communication with me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don't try to figure out what is happening. Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all. I know the plans I have for you and they are good." (on a later day, because I had the time to read ahead this morning),"Anything that makes you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties...trust Me in all situations. Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been."  

I've been approaching life over the last few months they way I approach tea and coffee in the morning. Chug it and get the benefits as quickly as possible! But that's not the way tea and coffee are meant to be experienced. They are to be enjoyed. The benefit is in the aroma, the flowing and intricate blend of flavors, the warmth as it flows down your throat to your belly and slowly fills you up. The same is true for life. Instead of doing my best to rush through the stress and chaos of work/life right now, I need to slow down, notice the process. It's in the process that God's flowing and intricate plan is made. And it is a good plan. There is something here for me to learn, about me, about God, about process... and in trying to miss the pain I might miss the beauty God is trying to reveal to me.

Now, that is all very easy to notice and appreciate on this Sunday morning, when I have some down time. But the true test will be Monday morning when I have to rush off to work, chug my coffee before group, and survive another day in my world right now.

But, even if I'm not perfect, I will be more aware. Because I desire more than surviving. I desire to LIVE. And live I shall, even if it's slow, even if it hurts. Because God is good, and that never changes.

Cheers.

The hint of vanilla...

It snowed today. And I know it's crazy for some people now, roads are icy, there are many accidents and some people's lives were changed forever tonight. But for me, it's peaceful. There's a small blanket of white on the ground; somehow life is a little more pure tonight.

It's odd how one person's tragedy can be another person's comfort.

I've got the big mug I bought at the grand canyon. I went there over the summer with two of my best friends. These girls are sisters. Our lives are changing, our relationships are shifting a little. Megan got married last year. Stacy has been married two years and just had a baby a little over a week ago. (She is the cutest baby ever, and that is just fact. No bias.) And I'm single. We all live in different states and we are all in different phases of life. Things can't help but change. I remember when one of my professors in college told me the girls I was best friends with then would just be Christmas card friends in a few years. Well, if there was ever a time that could start to happen, it would probably be now. And that's life, that's normal.

But the three of us have never been normal.

Whatever changes, however difficult things become. If Stacy has 12 kids and I get 12 cats. Then Megan will compromise and have 6 kids and 6 cats. Because we just make it work, even if we have to work harder. And we will be there for each other, even if we are toting kids and cats with us.

So I'm sipping Sleepytime Vanilla tea from my grand canyon mug. And I could be sad and long for past times, when we were all in the same phase, when I was more confident of our place in each others' lives. But I look down and the mug is half full. And it tastes of comfort, with a little hint of sweetness. And the world is white. I can't help but smile.

Because phases don't change hearts. And there will be more trips and there will be more mugs. Even if I just visit their home and have to steal a mug from their kitchen.

And there it is. Separation intertwined. Tragedy and comfort. The silver lining in a storm. The hint of vanilla.

Cheers.

And so the journey begins...

I fancy myself a writer. But I am a writer who hasn't written anything other than a treatment plan in a long time. And that, my friends, is unacceptable.

I'm a Marriage and Family therapist, but I work with adolescent males struggling with addictions. Yep, I know. Yikes! But, I absolutely love it. However, these boys leave me little time and mental capacity to be creative when I'm not at work. So, this blog is my feeble attempt to get the creative writing juices flowing again.

I don't plan to write about anything specific, whatever strikes me on any given day. And I seriously doubt anyone, unless they are a close friend or are related, will read this or care. But that's ok. I'm being creative!

I believe most problems in life can be settled with a long run, a hot cup of tea, or a good book. I started today with a cup of English Breakfast tea, had some church in there, and am about to end the day reading my new book, Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I'm very excited to start it! There was no run today because it was a rest day. All in all, a very good day. I bid you all goodnight, and hope you get to enjoy something warm and relaxing today as well.

Cheers!