Bitterness

On Sunday, after a long day of work, with little sleep because of the activities of the night before (which I will get to later), I decided to make a pot of tea for a little caffeine boost. I made Prince of Wales, which I hadn't had in years, and kind of forgot what it tasted like. I left the tea to steep in the pot and went to lay down on the couch and watch an episode of the OC. Well, I promptly fell asleep on said couch and never drank the tea. So, this morning, still sleep deprived, and still needing caffiene, and running late and unable to brew coffee, I just reheated the tea and drank it on my way to work.

Now, keep in mind, those tea bags have been "steeping" for two days.

The tea.... was a little bitter..... and I'm still not sure what it's supposed to taste like.

Ah bitterness. That seems to be the struggle lately. I've just been angry at people and elements at work. I've been trying very hard to make healthy and wise decisions, and to be Christ-like in my responses. But I've mainly been reacting, and just can't seem to pull myself out of it. But yesterday, through a wise conversation with my mentor and supervisor, the culprit became clear: bitterness.

If I can start looking at the people/person who has hurt me and betrayed me most, with compassion, and see them for the hurt and broken person they are, see them as Christ sees them, the anger and the bitterness loses it's potency. And that is the only way I can navigate this situation in a healthy and Christ-like way. And more basically, I think it's the only way I can survive.

Saturday night, my pretty awesome boyfriend, took me to the symphony. We both got all dressed up, and I felt like a female! (When you work at an adolescent male rehab with lab puppies, you spend a lot of time in tshirts and jeans). We ate indian food and enjoyed some great music. It was a wonderful night..... until.....

When we got back to his car, we found his window smashed in and his GPS missing. (His cologne was also missing.... but my wallet was still there. Odd.) We spent the rest of the evening talking to cops, vacuuming glass and patching the window with duct tape and a tarp. I didn't get home until 2 and had to be at work at 7:55. Through the whole experience, I was oddly calm. Except for when the cop started talking about the loser crack-head that stole the GPS just to get another score. The way he was talking stripped all worth from the theif. Now, yes, we felt violated, and I would love to see the criminal punished. But to strip him of all his worth? To degrade him like he's less than an animal? That's not right. Many of the guys I have worked with, have been or could have been that criminal.

So, then I wondered, why can I have compassion on this stranger who stole our stuff, but I can't for a person I actually know and have relationship with?

Because it's personal. It feels like betrayal. Which probably means it's even more important that I figure out how to have compassion and forgiveness.

Dang it.

So, lent starts tomorrow. And I am giving up negative talk about my job and the people I have issues with that work there. Instead, for these forty days, I'm going to make a gratitude list of all the things I appreciate about the person/situation.

We all experience bitterness. Sometimes it's on purpose. Certain coffees and teas are supposed to have a bitter element to them. No tea is supposed to be bitter from being left steeping for two days though. I've tasted the bitter of life, of my job. And now I can more adequately appreciate the good, if I can make myself remember where it is. That's life. That's how we navigate it. I wonder how much bitterness we are all hanging on to? The obvious, like the prince of wales tea, or the more subtle, like grudges against co-workers or friends. Bitterness is bitterness. No matter how strong, it still takes away the sweet.

Cheers.