I'm sitting here in the last few hours of my twenties, and it's weird.
I wish I had something more poetic to say about it than that, but weird is all I've got. I feel like I should wax grand about the shenanigans of my youth and the entering in of a whole new me. Truth is, I don't feel any different. And I don't suspect I'll feel any different tomorrow.
And maybe that's why I feel weird. I'm kind of pissed.... Kind of sad....Kind of happy... kind of apathetic. Isn't that what being a teenager is about? I'm WAY past that. But I feel like I'm supposed to feel different, and I don't. But I want to.
I've always thought 30 is when I would have it all together. Oh, you're still single? That's alright, you're only twenty-something. Oh you still have a house payments worth of a student loan? No worries, you're still twenty-something. Ah, but see, in a few short hours I won't have that excuse anymore.
When I pictured my life as the dreamer of a 20 year old I used to be, this was not at all how I pictured it. Not. at. all. When I was 20, I dreamed big. I had HUGE plans for my life. I had not yet been beaten down by the reality of the harshness of life. Life is not kind to dreamers. When I was 20, I thought by now I would be married, writing screenplays, drinking lattes. I would not be in Arkansas. When I was 22, I thought by the time I was 30 I would be gloriously single (I went through a hatred of men stage) traveling the world and writing wonderful columns for some high profile travel magazine, drinking lattes. I would not be in Arkansas.
Yet, as 30 looms closer with every passing minute, here I sit. In Arkansas. Not married. Not traveling. Not writing screenplays or traveling the world. Though, I do drink lattes...
But.....
It's not so bad. It's not what I dreamed, but God dreams better. I'm not married, but I am in love, and that's the part that matters. I found a guy who loves God and treats me like gold. I'm not in Texas, with my family, but I do get to join other families on their journeys for a while. I'm not writing screenplays, but I write a blog every 6 months or so.... And I do travel, it's just not as grand as I dreamed. Though, I have seen a small chunk of the world. I think that's the biggest change from 20 to 30. My twenties were about flying. In my 30's, I think the idea of roots is more appealing. Even if those roots are in Arkansas (It's a fate I think I have to accept).
I'm not anywhere near where I thought I'd be. And I've been struggling with that a bit. Ok, a lot. But, I think where I am is better. Life is not about the check marks next to our bucket list, but about the experiences we have getting those check marks. And through it all, my experiences have been amazing! I have a few best friends who know me better than anyone, and will be there from my 20's to eternity in Heaven. I have parents who love me and support me in everything I do. I have a job I love (most of the time), a house and a car, and yes, a student loan payment as big as Texas. Most importantly, I have a faith that has withstood the trials and temptations of my 20's, that is rock solid to guide me in my 30's. I have a God who is faithful, and gentle enough to comfort me when my dreams look different than His, but loves me enough to dream bigger for me anyway.
I will wake up tomorrow and not much will be different. I'll have a 3 in front of my age instead of a 2. But life is still pretty great, even if it looks different than I thought I wanted it to. My 30's will rock and who knows what my dreams will look like by the time I'm 40...
But, let's not go there yet... 30 is hard enough!
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